i began my journey here based on a simple reference from one of the coordinators of the careextenders program. who would've thought i could experience so much and feel so much from a simple unit. here i shall try to recount those valuable moments, hoping to preserve the original emotions of the time.

the twitching leg: the patient's leg twitched and twitched and twitched. it was almost strange to sit in the presence of someone who could not control the simple motor skills of his legs. it's a blessing to have the simple motion we do. surprises come in all colors, and here, the staff was forced to deal with something simple. but you know, the small issues all need quick, critical thinking.

the angiograms/angioplasties: it was such a simple procedure. and as the techs and doctors lead me through the procedure, i began to marvel at medicine. how such a quick simple procedure can reach the heart that keeps us alive. how such a procedure can elongate someone's chance to live.

the icd/pacemaker: once again, the simplicity marvels me. the beauty of entering the body so minimally and giving someone the chance to live not once but many times over. whether we have the right to this power, i will never know.

the joint commission: the fear, and the excitement all wrapped into one moment had my blood running. this is not just a job you show up to. it is a job you must perfect. these are lives... and you are constantly being judged.

aids/hepatitis b: i was not afraid. but i felt a sudden bit of tension as i noticed the tension. gloves were carefully placed, and all of the sudden i become afraid. i treated him kinder to almost compensate the fear. it is still knew terrain, and i feel i have a lot of growing up to do in terms of dealing with the unknown.

the death: this, of all things i experienced, was the most powerful. i still don't know what to say about it. i saw him go from life to death. and the powerlessness i felt... I hope I never have to feel again.

i needed some way to place down my thoughts. so here i am again, hoping to find some sort of refuge in releasing those fleeting memories on some medium more concrete than the mind.

a year or so from now, these thought may be gone, but at least they may be revived by this. i feel as though so much has already been lost in time.

yet, through all that, i've moved towards a stronger more independent self.

Walking admidst the groups of people walking through the streets of Newport Beach gave me a little more insight about how diverse people really are in Irvine. However, its obvious that socioeconomic similarities are what keeps us on the same platter. Walking admidst girls in their juicy couture uniforms, middle-aged men walking their dogs, children being tugged in wagons, people going along in their wheel-chairs....

... I'm a afraid. So afraid. That I hate recording my life. Because recording requires wasting time. And time means more memories.

I tried. I tried writing an entry like I used to. Writing used to be an obsession. Something I needed to do even if it didn't make sense. Now I can't bring myself to do it as much as I want to. As wonderful as these last few weeks.. months... have been, I can't bring myself to put them in some concrete form that I can look back on and therefore, not have to depend on my memory that's so very-not-dependable.

But oh well. Time is time. And time to record is time to live. So fuck this for now.

"We'll let the world spin to find ourselves in something grand. Something so mysterious and confusing to the normal senses, that it can somehow mix about... becoming almost nothing and yet everything at once. You just continue living. And the people you love, and who love you will come... no questions asked."

Somehow logging back onto this, I find the above message saved as a draft. I can't even remember when I wrote it. Or what I was thinking. I find this more frequent as I run through life. So much has happened, that sometimes I forget to slow down and think about it. I forget what was and what wasn't. Things become intermingle. It's all in me, I know. But in some spiritual, non-concrete way.

I'm so afraid. So afraid that one day... all these emotions and thoughts will just dissapear. It's already begun. And all I can do is keep going and going. And sometimes I wish I would just stop to record it all. But it's okay. Living was always better, anyway.

...I love everyone in my life so very much. Yet for some reason, I don't understand why I am unable to say I love you to you. We've both thought about it for sometime. But... I think a part of that quickening pace of time frightens me. I'm frighten that the emotions and chains that comes with saying those words will one day break. And everything that was... will just dissapear into time. And this is not just another thing I can let slip into time. I've given you too much already.

School's starting again. And I feel revived. I feel like I'm ready for it. And I feel all these random bursts of inspiration, but all I can do is pamper it down and say.. "you don't have time for that."

And I find those valuable momentary thoughts slipping away into some parallel universe for some other mind to maybe contemplate and grow upon.

And again and again, I find myself choosing one thing I love over another. And it's hard for someone like me, who loves everything so much. But here I go and go again, finding the inspiration for the wrong things at the wrong time and watching them float away into some vast empty space that seems to envelope us all.

And I think of all the things that happened to me this summer. And I think about how no one really knows about it all. How I've grown and not a person to see it but me. How very alone but victorious I feel in it all. And how I see my friends still drifting around me like the air I breath, but only to come in and leave, never knowing exactly what they were just amidst. Never knowing that I came to love myself more... and how that was one of the most difficult things I've ever done.

And sometimes I fear a new year will take that apart. Starting over, would mean starting this over. I'll see, I guess.

So summer's been rolling by, and I'm starting to enter that idleness stage that everyone seems to eventually suffer from. And, it kind of sucks.

So since the time school ended, things have been. well. amazing.

At first things were a little shaky with my grandma getting sick and going to the E.R. And my dad and brother being unreliable buttcracks. And stuff like that, but by the time my birthday party on the 24th ran through, everyone basically cheered me up mucho. And nothing's better than seeing old buddies like Juliana and Denise. I really do miss Arrowbear and Newhart. Those were some good days.

I went up to Chatsworth following my birthday to check on my grandma in the hospital. She's doing dandy now, and I couldn't be happier for her. Since we were already there, I got to visit my baby cousin, Lea, for her 1st birthday party. Why are babies so f-ing cute? She's adorable, though.

Then I went to Belize. And that was just. amazing. It needs a whole entry on its own. And that'll take time. Which I'll save for some other day.

So writing this entry is completely boring me, so I'll stop.

Pictures and stuff later.

Oh! And I saw a deer today! And a spider make a web from start to end today! Amazing sights. And who'd expect there to be wild deers crossing streets in Irvine?

Our backyard's basically done. I'm basically having major problems leaving the house and getting rides for "fun" activities. And IVC is starting to conquer my life. And piano.

And I hope I don't kill my summer.
K, I'll shutup. Bye.

School just ended. I'm kind of stuck between the feeling of excitement and lethargy. I guess I should be glad all those nights of coffee and minute amounts of sleep are over, but I keep thinking back and feeling dissapointed at myself. Was all that work to not fail in school really worth killing any life that may have once existed in me? When the school bell rang today, marking this school year's end, I almost kind of just went... "Oh?" You'd expect some kind of huge countdown and anticipation, but I so lacked that. I can't put my hands on why. I think success and academics has really killed what's valuable to me; not that I know what that is. Anyway,

( My mini-version of this school year in pics )

The school year ended off pretty nicely despite my conflicting thoughts about it. After a mostly failed attempt to transfer Soo's movies over to my laptop after school, we attended Long's and Atila's mini end of the school year party. Following a few games of Egyptian Rat Slap and an Ice War, Alyssa's mom took us home and we meandered through my partially finished yard. Eventually, I found myself on the couch thinking about the year.

I guess it really is over. And I fell asleep.

the pieces i have

are scattered about.


here lies one.


and i look for someone.
oh anyone. who can put them all together.

Somehow my time keeps going by. I find myself forgetting everything and anything I did do. What happened to all the time? Nothing of value. Nothing of value. I have no dreams. I have no passions. I have no goals. And the time just keep passing by.

But who cares.

My cousins came over again. Surprisingly, Darin's been a suckup. All to my favor. You can make suckups do anything. Like sit in the corner of a room for all eternity.

I just came back from a piano concert by Christina Dow. It was just something local, but I mean the level in which a concert pianist plays is amazing. All the articulations nicely interpreted. No sounds that make you want to rip your eardrums out. It was nice. It's always amusing to look in the audience at recitals for those sleeping people.

( Random pictures from yesterday )

Somehow I managed to catch up to 50 episodes of Bleach this weekend. I should not have done that. But I mean. Swords turning into dragons? Super insane sword fights? Cheesy moments? How could you not enjoy hours of mindless entertainment. I'm such a dork.

And why is my 40 year old uncle trying to hook up with my 20 year old viola teacher? This situation is highly embarrassing.

I have bad news: I just ate the last pudding.

You have no idea how depressing this is.

SAT's are next week.

I suck at life.

I have no life.

Except for my plot for world domination.

But I can't tell you about that.

Pobre Juan

Juan se lanzo marchandose al norte
iba en busca de una vida digna
cruzando Mexico por valles y por montes
iba Juan lleno de fe.

La historia es que Juan se iba a casar
con Maria embarazada
pero el no tenia ni un centavo
ni un clavo que darle.

Pero este Juan iba muy decidido
y a la frontera el llego con todo el filo.
Se conecto con el mero mayor de los coyotes
y la historia le conto:
Mire usted que yo quiero cruzarme ya
a San Diego o Chicago,
digame usted lo que hago
que precio le pago.

Juan ya nunca regreso,
en la linea se quedo,
pobre Juan
o la migra lo mato
o el desierto lo enterro,
pobre Juan.Oh, oh, oh, oh

Juan le enseno al coyote
una foto de Maria
con la cual se casaria,
le prometio que el regresaria
para formar todo un hogar.Pero el coyoto a Juan lo traiciono
dejandolo al olvido,
de tres balas se tronaron a Juan,
pobre de Juan,
no regresono, oh.

Juan ya nunca regreso,
en la linea se quedo,
pobre Juan
o la migra lo mato
o el desierto lo enterro,
pobre Juan
y Maria lo fue a buscar
y ella nunca lo encontro,
desaparecio,
oh...


^ WE GET TO SING FOR SPANISH. I'm sure that's a lot cooler than whatever you're doing.

Ah, nothing's better than living on coffee.

As it turns out, I actually did some how manage to survive a whole night before school with no sleep. And the good part of the whole ordeal was, aside from some minor twitching that usually occurs during second period, I didn't feel all that tired throughout the day.

I wish I had something to say. But I really don't.

Life's been kind of a drag recently. Mostly because Junior Year just happens to be a whole lot of work- one thing after another. It seems the workload doesn't stop. And it seems to be progressively worsening.

Next week will most likely be one hellish of a week with craploads of tests. And to be frank, with my procrastination skills, I'll probably be zoned out half the week and pulling late-nighters to finish what I have to do. So if you're bored, you can help with my ADD by greeting me online at like 4 am.

I've still been incapable of pulling an all-nighter.

As for now, it's Saturday. I didn't do anything productive. Well, I did get to see Meghan and Alyssa in the morning. But the fact that we met during an SAT review cancelled out any fun that should have been. It would've been nice to see Mary today-- but apparently we have crappy planning skills that have held off our meeting for a year. <3

As for now, I am in the company of my cousins Kaylee, and psycho Darin.

( I love my cousins )

Oh, and why I keep scampering around the internet... I don't know. I just feel a need for a new journal every eon or so.

So here I am again.

With another journal.

If you ask me why.

I'd too like an answer.